The Sacrifice and Selflessness of Motherhood

I just read an article called “Motherhood Isn’t Sacrifice, It’s Selfishness.

Yeah…

It was enough to make me break my silence here and feel the insatiable need to write.

Here’s the definition for selfishness: “devoted to caring only for oneself, concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.” Yup, sounds like every mom I know.

I’m not saying that there aren’t any selfish moments in motherhood. Right now, for example, I am being selfish. I am ignoring what is going on with the boys and the house and my husband so I could sit down and write this response. I am being selfish in that I only care what is going on within this two-foot radius and purposely blocking out anything else for the sake of my own interest, which just so happens to be rebutting (with the occasional snark) the article I just read. Yes, I realize the irony.

But I digress.

The author refers to a phone call she had with her own mom about taking her sons, ages 7 and 9, on a family vacation and her excitement to watch them ride roller coasters and enjoy time as a family. She was upset by her mother pointing out that that’s not exactly a vacation for a mom – a mom needs her own time without her kids.

First, I want to point out that I have a 1- and a 4-year-old. One of my favorite memories from this spring is taking them to the carnival in town. I loved watching my older one play games and win prizes. I loved that we all loved the ferris wheel ride and got to enjoy some ice cream while we were there. But let me repeat, it is one of my favorite memories.

As it turns out, my experience with motherhood is not always as enjoyable as those two hours (which I’m pretty sure contained some meltdowns) on that one night this year. In fact, in the past four years of me being a mother, I can assure you that no memories, good or bad, actually define motherhood for me. Motherhood seems to rest in the mundane in this house, and while we make memories, spontaneous or planned, there’s always more to the picture than what our minds’ eye can remember.

But, perhaps, the part of the article that struck a chord with me was not her idea of a perfect family vacation in which there is nothing but joy and squeals of excitement from the kids and how it was actually a pleasure for her to be with her boys, after drudging at work for grueling hours every day of the year (let’s be clear: there is nothing wrong with this picture). Instead, it was her matter-of-fact statement that motherhood is not a job. To quote, “the language surrounding child rearing as a job surely derived from caregivers’ and homemakers’ efforts to be acknowledged as fulfilling an important role.” And, to add further insult to injury, she adds that while it is important for parents to do raise their kids, it brings in no income, so it cannot be considered a job.

I consider myself to be a stay-at-home mom, even though I work part time outside the house. I love my part-time job, but I adore my kids even more. Most often while at work, I am counting down the hours until I am able to kiss those faces again. But my job, in which I deal with dozens of kids every day, is nothing compared to the job of raising my two children.

I am certainly not one of those moms who has all of it figured out. I actually don’t feel like I haven even 10 percent of it figured out. My 1-year-old seems to know the times I set my alarm in the morning, because he seems to wake up a half hour before it, every single morning. I groggily start my day and serve the boys breakfast. Depending on how that goes, I am sometimes too overwhelmed by the sight of breakfast foods that I don’t even want to satiate my hunger any more. The rest of the morning is filled with different things. Sometimes, I’m a good mom and take my kids to the park or the pool or even just go on a walk around the neighborhood. Other times, I make the effort to be a good mom and put out an art project for them to do on a rainy morning and find that it only lasts for ten minutes, and that while I was cleaning up after them, the toddler ransacked every single basket of toys in the living room and now there is literally no space to walk, and it sets a bad tone for the rest of the day. And what feels like most days lately, I throw in the towel, take away some toys in an effort to lessen the inevitable mess, and throw on an episode of Curious George for the boys. Or three.

Perhaps it’s the fact that I have other things going on in life right now that take away my attention from the boys (such as studying for a huge exam coming up that I really don’t want to fail), or maybe it’s because I could honestly use a day where I wake up and only have to think about myself for a time, or maybe it’s because my toddler is the most strong-willed and feisty child I have ever known (and has been that way his entire life), but this mothering thing really feels like a job and not at all selfish. In fact, in part due to the fact that motherhood, ahem, surprised me a bit earlier than I was expecting (I have no qualms in admitting that we had planned to have our first son a bit later in life, because I wouldn’t change a thing about him today), but it sometimes actually feels like a sacrifice. And not just the lack of sleep or never getting to eat a meal while it’s hot kind of sacrifice, but also that I had to delay certain ambitions of mine and put aside dreams I had for my future – the same reasons for which people delay having children at all.

But here’s the thing: I adore my boys. It is a privilege to be their mother. And when my 4-year-old gives me a bear hug and sweet kiss as I say goodnight to him, it feels like the greatest reward. I mean, I get to call those two beautiful boys my own. And when I tuck them in at night and say “I love you” one last time for the day, I know that they are my reward for the job of raising them and they are worth any sacrifice.


Maybe the author of the article had a few good points. Maybe we shouldn’t focus on the hard work that comes with motherhood, but the joy that we reap from it. And, maybe, as some commenters pointed out, she didn’t mean “selfishness” in the way that the dictionary defined it. Hey, she’s entitled to her opinion, but if that’s not what she meant, then I’m going to call out The New York Times for publishing a writer who can’t use a thesaurus.

 

 

Advertisements

The Love of a Parent

I’m exhausted today. I got a total of 3 1/2 hours of solid sleep. Other than that, I was up with Ethan all night. 

Note: please do not interpret this as complaining. Stuff like this was in the bold print when I signed my contract for motherhood. 

Still, last night was one where I was looking forward to to being completely alone and taking some time for just myself. The boys didn’t take a nap in the afternoon, so they were tired and would go to sleep extra early, and Roland was at church for a board meeting which would inevitably go past my bedtime. I would have the house to myself for a few hours and it would be wonderful.

It was one of those days where you get kicked in the eye, your battery won’t start, and your favorite decorative dish breaks, to name a few.

Joshua explained to me that he was using the ball to get the candy bandaids. You have to give him credit for his resourcefulness!

While I was pleased with how I mostly laughed off situations that could have potentially been really stressful, I was looking forward to my quiet evening. But I had that feeling where I knew I should not count on my quiet evening.

Both boys were in bed by the time Roland left and about 2 and a half seconds later, Ethan was waking up. It was clear he wasn’t going back to sleep, so I brought him downstairs while I did the dishes and was able to put him back to sleep after that. About an hour later, he woke up again, so I picked him up and he threw up all over the floor (and him, and a little on me too).

I didn’t brush this off with laughter, though. My heart broke to see my baby uncomfortable and not feeling well. So I made a spot for him in my bed.

This was clearly his secret plan to getting more hangout time with me. Look how happy he is to watch Gilmore Girls with me!

I did my best to comfort him in any way that I could. I just wanted to see him rest and I could not sleep until I saw that he was resting.

The whole time I was awake, though, A verse was stuck in my head — if your son asks for a piece of bread, what parent would give him a stone? How much more will your Father in heaven give you?

““Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:7-11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

http://bible.com/59/mat.7.7-11.esv

I did not want to be awake for 2/3 of my night. Even less did I want to see my son suffer, to any degree. 

So if I, as a fleshly parent who can so often get stressed and annoyed with her kids (I can’t be the only one…) could give up the one thing I thought I deserved and looked forward to so much for my son and willingly give him what he needed from me, how much more will my perfect Heavenly Father give me?

 When I am broken and need comfort, he is the one who is with me until I finally find my rest. 
When I have any need, He is the one who supplies it. 

As a mom, what I can do is so limited in the grand scheme of things. I cannot always be there for my kids. Sometimes, all I can offer is temporary comfort in trying times. 

But my God reigns over all and is all powerful and is still willing to give me the things I ask for.

In fact, he loves me so much that he gave up his only son for ME.

I don’t think I could give up either of my sons for anything. 

“My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God.”

‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:7-10‬ ‭MSG‬‬

http://bible.com/97/1jn.4.7-10.msg